Thursday, 21 June 2012

Why I probably wouldn't survive a zombie attack

The other night I had such a vivid dream about a zombie attack that it made me feel like it was inevitably going to happen. This got me thinking about the reasons why I don't think I would survive if it did happen (morbid? me?).
1.       White girl can’t jump. Even if I put all of my energy and effort into jumping, I still can’t manage to get more height than 3 or 4 inches. This has been an ongoing joke with Scott, he finds it hilarious but it also means that should I ever have to jump a fence/car/obstacle whilst being chased, the likelihood of me being successful would not be high (like my jumping).

2.       I can’t run fast. Pretty self-explanatory really. My ‘jogging’ speed is the same as the other half’s leisurely stroll. So I’m not going anywhere in a rush on foot. This won’t be a problem as long as the zombies are old style zombie movie where they just kind of meander around as opposed to the ‘running at full speed’ type zombies of modern day.

3.       I am clumsy. See this post. I fall over, a lot. I can just see me tripping over something at a crucial point of escaping and becoming a gonna.

4.    My car rarely has a full tank of petrol in it. I'm not one of those people who keep it topped up 'just in case' (though I doubt their 'just in case' is a zombie attack).... it's regularly (right no in fact) got the red light flashing to tell me it's almost empty. This means should we have to jump in the car to escape/save family members/whatever then we won't get far without having to fill up. Which could prove to be tricky what with zombies literally biting at your ankles.

5.   I'm lazy and don't go food shopping regularly. I don't like food shopping even though I love food. This means that like today our cupboards are pretty bare and so should we need to barricade ourselves in our house there wouldn't be much to keep us going aside from the odd tin of tuna and baked beans.

6.   We live pretty much smack bang in the middle of England. This means there is no sea around for us to sail away into. You never see zombies swimming really so I think that would be a good escape route. That or a helicopter. We don't have a helicopter either.

7.   We don't have easy access to guns here. I don't know one person who owns a gun. It would have to be a more of a 'Shaun of the dead' approach to zombie killing, throwing random household items until we find something that works. I also don't own an axe, a sledgehammer or a samurai sword.

So if this does happen, I think I'm pretty screwed.
Picture is from Zombieland

1 comment:

  1. OMG! I so would not survive either! And who ever has a full tank of gas, not me! I'm usually riding around with a tank on E. And I am the clumsiest ever, I might even have you beat :)


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