Why I probably wouldn't survive a zombie attack

The other night I had such a vivid dream about a zombie attack that it made me feel like it was inevitably going to happen. This got me thinking about the reasons why I don't think I would survive if it did happen (morbid? me?).

1.       White girl can’t jump. Even if I put all of my energy and effort into jumping, I still can’t manage to get more height than 3 or 4 inches. This has been an ongoing joke with Scott, he finds it hilarious but it also means that should I ever have to jump a fence/car/obstacle whilst being chased, the likelihood of me being successful would not be high (like my jumping).

2.       I can’t run fast. Pretty self-explanatory really. My ‘jogging’ speed is the same as the other half’s leisurely stroll. So I’m not going anywhere in a rush on foot. This won’t be a problem as long as the zombies are old style zombie movie where they just kind of meander around as opposed to the ‘running at full speed’ type zombies of modern day.

3.       I am clumsy. See this post. I fall over, a lot. I can just see me tripping over something at a crucial point of escaping and becoming a gonna.

4.    My car rarely has a full tank of petrol in it. I'm not one of those people who keep it topped up 'just in case' (though I doubt their 'just in case' is a zombie attack).... it's regularly (right no in fact) got the red light flashing to tell me it's almost empty. This means should we have to jump in the car to escape/save family members/whatever then we won't get far without having to fill up. Which could prove to be tricky what with zombies literally biting at your ankles.

5.   I'm lazy and don't go food shopping regularly. I don't like food shopping even though I love food. This means that like today our cupboards are pretty bare and so should we need to barricade ourselves in our house there wouldn't be much to keep us going aside from the odd tin of tuna and baked beans.

6.   We live pretty much smack bang in the middle of England. This means there is no sea around for us to sail away into. You never see zombies swimming really so I think that would be a good escape route. That or a helicopter. We don't have a helicopter either.

7.   We don't have easy access to guns here. I don't know one person who owns a gun. It would have to be a more of a 'Shaun of the dead' approach to zombie killing, throwing random household items until we find something that works. I also don't own an axe, a sledgehammer or a samurai sword.

So if this does happen, I think I'm pretty screwed.

Picture is from Zombieland

I Am So Very Clumsy

Hello :)How are you?
Me?
I'm fine thankyou.
Aside from falling over and almost doing the splits whilst simultaneously covering myself in green slime. Niiiiiiiiiiice. Haha yeah I fell over in our 'conservatory' today. I use the term 'conservatory' lightly because it is really the remains of one that was built cobbled together by some previous owners. The roof in it is collapsing and has holes in it, we took the window out to get our settee in the house and half of the floor has been taken up. So really it's like a shack that has been attached to the back of the house. When it rains outside, it rains in there.
This means the wood we put on the floor to cover the gaps can get slippy and has also grown/accumalated some green slime on it.
This morning I slipped on said slime and one leg went one way whilst the other went the other. Not cool.

I fall over, a lot.
Some other incidents include:
- 'tripping' over in a field where there was nothing to trip me up. Yep I trip up over my own feet.

- falling up some stairs in a shop in front of other people and a woman behind the till who was trying to hold in her laughter. That hurt my pride as well as my knees.

- falling in the garden whilst trying to get the washing in. I went over on my ankle and that one really hurt. The neighbours would have had a giggle if they had seen that one.

- falling out of my Mum's car when she was dropping me off at school. I got the nick name 'elephant foot' from one of my friends for a while after that one because my ankle swelled up so much.

- falling over at my old job off of a tyre and having the children laugh at me as I fought back tears because that one REALLY hurt my ankle. One of the kids came up to me and saw that I had been crying, she said sorry and 'are you going to tell your mum that we laughed at you?'. I'd forgotten the days when 'I'm telling my mum' could provoke fear haha.

- falling over whilst trying to open the door to the post woman. This was the most recent, aside from todays incident. I tripped over and the post woman was screaming 'are you ok? are you ok?' probably thinking that she was going to have to break down my front door to save me. I had to jump up fast and just think 'answer the door, cry later'.

 I am very clumsy and have weak ankles. Fact.